The Birth of Gloria Hallelujah

“Sarah, if i made you upset… idk if i would come home to you burning the house down.” gasps. what? excuse me? because the old me would say.. well, don’t piss me off & you don’t have anything to worry about. but the updated software recognizes the emotional abuse of that response. it’s not fair to have others walk on eggshells in fear of my explosions. oh! what is this? a minefield? because my big emotions are my responsibility and no one else’s. okay. growth. bih i see you! next, “Sarah, if i was a trash man or had any low lift job where i didn’t have to think too hard, I could deal with all of your big emotions. I would manage them, but i have big goals and your emotions are a big distraction.” Gasps. again. pull the dagger out of my heart because i’m about to bleed to death. So i decided to fully commit to healing with EMDR therapy. that was some top tier motivation. i was already doing it, but not really. I was distracting myself with another relationship. so i went into complete isolation for 8 months. faced my deepest fears. that ish was scary af. nightmare on Elm street. died on the cross like Jesus, but rebirthed. & birth ain’t easy, especially when you’re birthing yourself. where’s my epidural? i can’t take these birthing pains. this is my last time rising from the ashes. i am done.

so, self-sabotage was one of the main themes i was working thru with EMDR, and I have successfully closed that chapter. thank gawwwd! pats self on back & also gives little me a big hug. she needed that. of course this a very layered topic and one of the main topics i had to uncover was my extreme abandonment wounds. it was real bad. imagine getting an Amazon package with fragile written over it 1,000x. that was me, especially given the circumstances. because i lost the majority of my family, i thought if i got close to anyone they would kick the bucket too. here one day. gone the next. irrational? maybee. but 2+1 was equalling 4 given my experience. sis is tired. sis just wants to rest.

I had to reprocess…as in relive and reexperience the pain (nervous system reactivated) of losing my family, with my mother and grandmother’s deaths being the hardest to face because i was faced with such loneliness (FYI i’m never going to be who i was before so let that go. that changed me. a lot.) but as i continued to pull the layers back to get to the root of my abandonment issues, i learned that the first person to abandon me was. myself. When my mother got swept up by the demon of alcohol, i became a mother to my mother and brother. someone had to step up. she is me & i am her. she was 7 or 8. on a bright note, that experience turned me into the woman i am today. always putting others before herself. giving a helping hand. loving a motherless child. or adult.

i’ve always taken care of others meanwhile, i’ve abandoned myself in the process. therapy helped me realize that my needs ACTUALLY matter, to put myself first and to create healthy boundaries. omg who would have thought? not me. the matr. so now i’m healing that part of me and reclaiming my time. the selfless little girl inside of me could never imagine.

well, guys and gals, I don’t want to get too deep anymore, so let’s back it up. the last time i was with my ex, we had a really good time. we’re fun buddies, ya know. & a ball is always had. & in the mist of our togetherness, we reached a place of boring. calmness. because the cat & mouse game is our thing, real bad. & just appreciated it. In that stillness, I realized you really have to be emotionally stable to enjoy that type of boring. I’m so used to being chased, he didn’t touch me for 9 months. the game is the game i’ve been playing for awhile. or getting paintings made for me, a big charade or displays of affection…. big highs. high dopamine. is what i am accustomed to. but I’ve learned that those highs don’t build a stable future. just fun. Now, I appreciate the stillness. Stability is the real foundation for true growth. did i just clip my own free spirited wings and regulate my nervous system? maybe. stay tuned to find out. cause i did. yep!

so, in conclusion, darlings. sometimes we are asking God for things we have yet to gift ourselves. i had a deep fear of abandonment, but i was the first person to leave me stranded. i never turned around to pick her back up. i just became a bus for everyone else, but so many other people helped me too…. so i guess it evened out lol nooooo you get me tho? haha. & i really wanted stability in my life, especially after becoing orphan annie in these streets, but did i even appreciate stability at that time? the answer is no. was i even emotionally stable? the answer is no. again. but in the words of one of a gospel song, maybe donnie mcclurkin idk how you spell it .. “we fall down, but we get up.” & a b.tch did get up.like the phoenix i rose from the ashes. for the 10th time. because like Jesus, we can be reborn. gloria glorilla hallelulah amen. & just like that, I’m not the woman I used to be & i turned around to pick up the little girl i left behind. she’s grounded. she’s stable. she’s safe. she’s at peace. whooooose that girrrrrrrllllll? nanananana. sarah’s that girrrrrrrrrrrllllll. nanananana. play’s song by eve! meowwwww.

Also p.s.

Can you even do a ps on a blog? i don’t know but i write the rules around here. i think about this foreshadowing moment often. when I was in Goergia a few years ago, I had a special friend & when I moved to Austin & got settled in… I got a call. & on the other end of the phone was a truth i choked on. he said, sarah, you made me fall in love with you & you got up and moved to another state and didn’t even say goodbye. whoever falls in love with you in austin, you’re going to do the same thing to them and move. i feel bad for him already. why are you so afraid of being loved? yikes, to be loved is to be seen. & we’re still cool & ive been sharing my new journey with my old friend & it’s cool to have those talks with a friend who knows me to be a runner and trackstar. she’ll run away when it gets hard, & that’s on when i was an avoidently attached girly. but again Gloria Amen. i’m born again.