Serendipity

guys, i promise. I’m not trying to live my life through the eyes of romcom, but the romcoms find me. i do not seek them. i guess i’m just a girl stuck in the pattern of divine timing or maybe it was serendipity running across my tv screen. love that movie. & just like that, another romcom rebirthed on my timeline. & it’s so funny because when the stars align. You just have to follow it.

Last week, i went out with an old friend. we see each other maybe once or twice a year. he’s a tour manager and randomly hits me up to see what city i live in at the time & we go from there. easy breezy. beautiful CoverGirl. safe to say thank you to one of my favvvv backstage plugs, but i haven’t been going out. lately. from the streets to the house. that’s me. pats self on the back because that’s a veryyyy hard transition. ya know, focusing on my EMDR therapy. distractions. who? where? but i made an exception for mi amigo. we hit up one of my favorite places for a good boogie. & i met another guy there. he seemed nice. we danced. chicago stepped. in the name of love. r.kelly. & he kept up. it was good. smooth operator. I was impressed. because all of 6 feet of him didn’t step on my 5’ 2” toes. but as cinderella once had to leave, so did i. because i was there with my friend. remember? can’t be rude & swept of my feet. ya know? we exchanged numbers. but i know i how i am. a good time today, but a ghost in the wind. tomorrow. because hang out with a man? for what? nothing personal.

he asked me out for a coffee date a few days later, and I politely declined bc i’ve never been asked on one before. & tbh i was a bit offened. a coffee date registers in my brain like speed dating for some reason. in & out. is it worth it? is she worth it? next. because clearly i’m worth a $5 cup of joe. omg. what? my heart. sike. & that was that. my week continued & I saw a small band i liked was on tour. so ticket for one. & if you’re reading this, you probably don’t like this type of music. I’m talking small sprinkle of blacks in the building. so i won’t bother to share. homeshake if you wanna open your ears up for a bit tho. lol

i get there. grab a drink. walk to the back patio. a guy saw I was looking for a seat & asked me to join him & his friend. the alignment began quickly. he works in marketing. i work in marketing. he works remote. me too. & guess what? we wfh in the same neighborhood of lovely coffee shops. i can’t make this stuff up. neither could you. did the universe line this up? the stars? irene? idk. what do you think? tell me. i’m all ears. he continued to tell me that his friends were joining us shortly and invited me to hang with them for the night. why not? it’s a vibe. i love those. good vibes.

soooooooooo his other friends join us. i put my head down in complete embarrassment. omg. i couldn’t believe this. you’re not either. it was mr. coffee date. 6 ft step in the name of love who didn’t step on my 5’2” toes. the look on our faces. you shoulda seen it. what are the odds? i declined a coffee date & we ended up at a concert 7 days later. & i’m sitting with your friends? i can’t make this up. we were introduced & were like oooooh we met a week ago. yooooooooo. I’m still screaming because what the hell? serendipity or naw?

anywho, the awkwardness of the cancelled coffee date arose. naturally. & he simply explained that he wanted to talk and get to know me with no distractions. i mean, it was loud at the concert. so, I get it. but coffee is crazy, & I'm sticking beside it. & of course, I explained my two cents with the drive-by coffee date. rebuttled with… we could have gone out for coffee and ended up at the same concert together……. but check me out…look. we did. anyways. Regardless. god’s plan? your plan? or mine? idk. bought me a drink instead of coffee. god’s plan. great show. butttttttt no matter what the stars, the universe or even God may have in store, i have to consider my plans this time. Because she has them. she’s not gone with the wind anymore. since when?? you ask? today. i just started. & it’s hard because I’m a girl of faith. not plans.

but i have to focus on my EMDR therapy. & i’m fighting for my life. r.kelly voice. beating my a.s too. thing is tho, God has aligned many stars in my life. many times. i’m a walking miracle. some would say goddess. some would say devil. in a red dress. Nonetheless, I mess them up. every time. repeated offender. lock me up. I push them away. to pullthem back in. i’m a menace to society. men’s hearts specifically. a maneater. sometimes they fall in love. me too. & that’s when i get scared. that’s when i play games. is that emotional abuse? because that fear of intimacy. she always creeps up on me. & i don’t want to hurt another soul because i don’t feel worthy of my own love. i don’t want to self-sabotage because i can’t believe this happened. again. & again. & again like these rom coms don’t always find me. i mean, i am. lover girl. who deeply fears love. s/o to my DL gay ex bf. i hope you burn in hell. not to say anything would happen from saying yes to a breakfast date, but i have to learn to say no to fun. deep sigh. i’m a big girl now. it’s my responsibility to keep my goals in mind. Discipline. who dat? a new word added to my vocabulary. I put myself in an endless season of loneliness to fight my demons. again, they be whooping my a.s too. i call this punishment for the pain i have inflicted. time to heal my deep wounds invisible to the naked eye. but always visible to someone who loves me. someone i can’t run from. someone who sees me. and a guy with a good one-two step who likes similar music sounds like a potential big distraction. but who knows? one more serendipitous moment, i might have to follow God’s plan and not mine.