how does the rest of the song go? I played with your heart. got lost in the game. oh baby baby. well….oooops I played my damn self cause I actually liked him. truly. but your self-sabotaging queen is back with. yikes. a failed love story.

let’s begin. the club did not go up on a Tuesday ladies, but a love story did go down instead. & let’s just say that it was the beginning of an unexpected one because bby girl was not tryna hand over the digits. instead, i was tryna November a n.ga. (if you haven’t seen sweet november, do you really love romance)

ya know, give him the time of his life and disappear into the abyss of a sweet memory. & no, we did not do what grown folks do. but we did do reiki tho❣️ but i guess for those who get lucky, the time of your life gets to carry on a little longer & it did.

it actually turned into keys turning in my hand ( to his place not mine) cash app going awf, a cute lil step dog…. i mean do i live here because it’s giving & i‘m starting to love the neighbors too. lawwwwd. have my prayers been answered? cause he definitely said his was. his peace & joy has come to bless his life and he was tryna give me the world in return. wow. crazy because i prayed for the world to be mine. alignment or naw? even brought me sand back from the beach. sweet.

he loves the energy & spirit. bby might be an engineer but he’s speaking poetry. is that his heart talking? said he’s never been in love before. so is this his your first time on the rodeo?

i froze. that sh.t made me so happy i got nervous. like am i in my own special rom com right now? because it’s giving.. my new favorite love story!

i like him. grounded energy. clear direction & clear cut communication. i see that i’m shifting in very small subtle ways. is it growth? i like it.

because a girl like me

is going to be late to her own damn funeral. who woulda ever thought that i could pull up on time? not me. not my daddy.

patient. mind you, i can be a little volcano sometimes. ya girl has a lot of energy & and an active imagination. is & when i tell ya my eruption was cooled down before the lava made it’s way to the beach. i’m feeling safe & led. submission? me? foreign language. trusting a man not to lead me off a cliff? we’re in new territory ppl. i guess it’s never too late for a cat to learn new tricks. usually men kinda let me do whatever i wanna do…just happy to be around, but i was really loving the boundaries. it’s giving self-respect & order to a feisty mama.

i like it. she’s growing. i love it here (why do i keep saying that?) i even like doing nothing with him. genuinely enjoy his company. where we do that at?? with menn???? i’m disappointed in myself. what would my mother say? lordt.

but let’s get to

the rise of my downfall

cause you know a bihh kicked the bucket again. wtf is wrong with me? roles eyes deeply into the back of my head because i should kick my own a.s at this point.

plays Change Your Mind by Moonchild.

Be Vulnerable?

Open up?

Tell him that i like him?

i’m about to pass out. heart attack. can’t breathe. cause i ain’t gn be able to do that. i thought he was a playa. so why you tryna get out the game for me? the confusion is beyond me.

but let me stop playing tho cause my eyes light up when he walks in a room. i might not say how i feel, but i treat ‘em like a king if you know what i mean. sh.t last time i checked, i thought actions spoke louder than words…. & the eyes are the doorway to the soul, right? & darling my eyes said everything my lips would never utter. balance? mystery? idk what are we calling this?… but let’s add a sprinkle of confusion to the pot….because we’re not having sex, yet we’re emotionally bonding. spending time. i slick part-time live at his house. leave me the keys bby.

& taking it slow because he wants to do things differently this time. what that mean, y’all? cause my volcano keeps erupting with frustration if you know what i mean. but i’m following his lead & avoiding relationship questions like the plague and the heisman. so wtf is wrong with me? lets talk about it:

safety ever scare you? because for a long time, i felt like i was in a war fighting for my sweet spirit to stay with me after life tried to take her out. now i feel like i’ve entered my second oasis.

my first one was where i found peace within myself & now i’m sharing my peace with another. God is so funny. but for the first time, in a long time…. i felt safe with a man (mind you i was in a relationship previously. did not feel safe at all) since the passing of my family. new experiences or naw? we love it here (i keep saying that. what does that mean?) yet, safety felt so scary because that’s only a gift i’ve given myself & look… it’s being handed to me on a silver platter.

& yet, here I am. putting walls up. & if these walls could talk, they’d tell me that i’m not only protecting myself, but i’m keeping him out & pushing him away. y’all, I never told him anything about me. wouldn’t even tell him my birthday. middle name. nothing. couldn’t answer simple questions like, “where does your mom live?” why? because I wanted him to appreciate who i was & not what i’ve been through. how do i tell someone who i really like that i don’t have any immediate family. tragedy knows she be striking down on me bby. i didn’t want to be judged, pitied, or even rescued…. just wanted him to look into my eyes and see that i was still kind. I honestly thought that letting him in would run him away, but it was not letting him in that really did it. trying to avoid getting hurt, I actually hurt myself in the process. let me take the trash out. it’s me.

but that’s not where the demise ends…i’m pushing him away. starting sh.t for no reason. stressing him out. communication skills. flatline. avoiding conflict by not having conversations which led to more. conflict. the more i’m writing, the more i’m realizing that i was acting like a cat who jut got out the streets. is it my baby Saturn needing extra patience or me? LOL but if i’m completely honest, I simply did not want to get my heartbroken. if i truly spent as much time as he wanted, truly followed his lead, didn’t push him away, & let me give me the world & led me to paradise… i was afraid that if it came crumbling down & i got my heartbroken… i wouldn’t have my mom to cry to. & i honestly don’t think i can handle one more of life’s heartbreaks for at least 5 more years. i need a break & i deserve it. but you know what they say…

so bih why am i losing? will I ever be stopped? will i ever stop awakening the sleepy giant called love in a man’s heart just to put him back down? stay tuned to the next blog, but until then…. enjoy these clips from my fav romance movie.. sweet november!