Cobras in Heaven

I remember the first time I died and went to heaven. I opened my eyes to the brightest white lights. I was nine. & I saw my mom. my step-dad. doctors. & nurses. if I could remember what it was like to be born, I think this is what it would look like. I knew I was in a dream when I saw my dad tho. because where did he come from? he lived in a different city. & the first thing I said was, “where’s my brother?” that is… before the lights went out, and I fell from the second floor, & went into a coma for a few weeks after my brain surgery… I was actually looking for my brother because it was time for dinner. but I keep thinking about those white lights. opening my eyes to see them again & asking where my brother is.. where’s grandma too?

now, everyday that I wake up… I wish I could see heaven again. continuing to live life everyday without the people i’ve loved my entire life is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. well in this case, continuously doing. & i’m a tough cookie who has done many hard things. but it’s empty & it’s a void I can not fill. especially on my own. it makes me so sad. & I feel empty inside.

death was my first stage of grief. I’ve done that more times than I can count. the second is imaging life without them. & the third is actually living it, and that’s forever. not just during the holidays. I think about things like, if I have a baby… I don’t have a grandmothers love to offer the child. a babysitter to joyously accept her role. or a mother or grandmother to help me through that transition. if my life fell apart again, for one of life’s many reasons… I don’t have a place to call home. my step-dad isn’t here to welcome me with loving arms & give me a space to wallow in a cocoon until i’m ready to be a butterfly again. I remember when he loved me back to health after my dad broke my heart. he really meant it when he said I could come home anytime. I think about things like, if I got in an accident tomorrow… would my friends know who to call? technically, I don’t have a home base. but if you’re reading this.. call Yoshi. but does she know who to call? no. I don’t either. that’s sad omfg. sometimes I have to laugh to keep from crying. or have a glass of wine. or margarita.

a full life is full of many things. friends. hobbies. vacations. career. pets. maybe an exciting dating life. & family. but family is something on this list that I can not replace. I can’t make a new family like a can make a new friend. but maybe if I had my own family, this wouldn’t be so debilitating. & the regrets of not taking that opportunity settle on my spirit more often times than not these days. what if I kept my babies with my first love? I’d at least have a baby or two and an ex husband which would have given me a familial connection, even if the cards still played out the same. because i still talk to his family. hey granny. hey cousins. or what if I didn't walk away from the guy who offered me a family after they died? he loved me many lifetimes, and I wouldn't be writing this right now without him.

the simple solution here would be to get a husband. start my own family to heal the emptiness and loneliness of my soul, but it’s a double edge sword. because I’m scared of love. because what if he dies too? & i’m working on that in therapy. it might be working bc I was in relationship, but then I spill of this pain onto him as soon as I don’t feel safe. but I also pushed away the man who made me feel safe. i’m scared of dating. i’m not even happy like I use to be.what do I even have to offer? my energy isn’t as infectious as it once was. every time I get hurt, it takes something else out of me. i’m running out of strength. & I don’t even feel like the great friend I was once was. the endless river of love that poured from me before feels like its drying up sometimes. i’m alone. who wants to deal with that? it’s giving bag lady. & there are men who take advantage of women in my situation. I just want to open my eyes and see heaven again. open my eyes and see the people I've loved my whole life. because I can get new jobs, new boyfriends, and move to 5 cities & still run out of places to go.

Okay now listen to this song because I relate to it too much. 😭