We can’t undo the past, but with God’s grace we can make better decisions going forward. & one of the things I’ve been working on is a better relationship with my intuition. I must admit, it’s been a little challenging because i neglected her for years. i silenced her after years in a relationship when i stopped trusting her. my protector. i should have walked into my womanhood holding her tightly. instead i traded her for someone else’s dream. a dream of pure deception that turned into my own walking nightmare. & emotional abuse stole her away from me.

when i stepped on a college campus, i was expecting my dreams to come true. become a social worker, walk in the footsteps of the kind ladies who were there for me. & i got started. from teaching abroad in china, interning for the white house, planning homecomings, starting reading programs for the babies, winning beauty pageants, becoming queen. yes, i wrote a graduation speech. she had big dreams & wasn’t chasing them. she was making them happen. daily. college was the best time of my life. so i thought.

& my freshmen year, i made a friend. casual. & sooner than later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. sweet, but i said no. as a girl of faith, i just didn’t feel it in my spirit. months later, he asked again but this time with an ultimatum. either i was going to say yes to being his girlfriend and possible wife in the future or lose my friend forever. i didn’t want that so i said yes. i was barbie. he was ken. i was whitley. he was dwayne. well, that’s what his mother said.

when my first love died. he cried in the bed with me.wiped my tears. how selfless. met my grandmother in jail behind a glass screen. & didn’t judge me. purr. that moment solidifed his love for me. he soothed my nerves when i had a panic attack after being aroud my mother. & loved me even more. wrote the sweetest love letters. thoughtful cards. always gifted. took me on roadtrips. sold the clothes off his back one time for a vacation. we went to weddings together. lunch.dinner. daily. promise rings. but one valentine’s day stands out the most. surprised me with flowers & so so so many balloons at an event i was hosting because i didn’t want anyone to feel alone on love day. & the day didn’t end there. i was surprised with the most thoughtful gifts i’ve ever recieved. he was an expensive gift giver, but i taught him the art of thoughtfulness. i was gifted with 4 barbies. when i was 12 i had to leave my barbie dream house & barbies behind when i moved in with my dad. he noticed that i held onto all sentimental things & gifted me barbies to help heal that hole in my heart. i felt so seen. gifted me with a fancy beautiful journal because he noticed that i always grabbed journals from the store & said that i must have a book inside of me. & i should start writing it there. 4 fancy cupcakes because i hate boxes of chocolate. & i love cake. i felt so loved. & as a person who loves everyone. picks elders up on the side of the road. would give my last dime to a person in need. share my energy with others endlessly because it’s a renewable resource for me. it was always nice to be seen. feel loved by the man in my life. the only one who knew the ingredients that caused me to be a sweet soul because of the pain i’ve endured. supported my dreams. came to all of my events from cinderella’s closets to volunteering to help single moms. my bestie. would take the trash out for my friends who didn’t have a bestie like mine.

but i remember those slick remarks between his kind gestures. like when he’d tell me that he hated having a beautiful girlfriend. & he promised to never have another because everyone loved me. his friends liked me. they competed for me so much it became normal. he lost his name and became Miss PSC’s boyfriend. but i loved him & i thought i could love him enough to make him feel secure. it wasn’t my fault i was pretty, nice, and loveable.

but he told me the truth so many times. I just wasn’t reading between the lines where his contritions lay. like the time he confessed that his roommate asked him to join a circle jerk ensuring me that it was gay & he would never. the truth was always written between the lines. never on them. months later, the same roommate asked him, “would you let a guy suck your dk if he paid you?” what kind of !!! is that?! brooooooo. then there was me. convinced that this was gay & gaslit to believe he was not.

then there was his best friend. i knew he was gay. for a fact. but they told me he wasn’t. when he was outted. i celebrated. jumped for joy. because yay for my intuition. & my boyfriend was angry. so angry he choked me up against a wall that day. I guess he was scared that his bones would fall out of the closet too. but they remained friends. i just assumed he wasn’t homophobic. & sometimes when i would try to leave the relationship because my spirit felt uneasy, i would get ambushed. my pastor would call me to his office for an unrelated topic. & i would be convinced that my boyfriend loved me by my pastor, his friends, and him. & that i shouldn’t leave. i was forced to go to couples counseling convinced that i was the problem. but i wasn’t. they were. it was always them against me. it was never me and him. our relationship seemed like a group project sometimes.

i was gaslit into oblivion by every man who told me he loved me. my boyfriend. who i thought i was my protector. my pastor who called me daughter. my friends who called me sister. when in all actuality i was simply a beard. wearing a crown. used as a cover up to shield their homosexual activities. & there were so many. men who cut their eyes at me. the way women do. i was stuck in a whirlwind of attachment. confusion. & self-betrayal. that i didn’t know how to swim out of. i go crazy. i get flowers. i go crazy. they put me on stage. we go on trip. we’re all out for dinner.

i was the queen of my campus & i was the most lost person walking around. i was in hell and a castle at the same time. i couldn’t tell if i was burning or not. I got so used to the flames. & the only thing i had to hang onto was anger, & i would fight. literally. for my sanity. scratches on his neck. blood on the wall. bleach on the floor. i’m fighting demons. HIM! the psychological warfare they had on my mind was DIABOLICAL. i would scream that the sky was blue and they would convince me that it was purple while we sat at a fancy dinner table in Vegas or Los Angeles at a conference as a family. my boyfriend. my pastor. & friends. gaslit me like a gas station.

but i paid the price for abandoning my intuition. from yearly trips to the ER w/ my p.ssy on the floor. i’m not sure if my immune system ever recovered. my nervous system surely didn’t. to trips to the nurses station convinced that i was just a sickly person when in all actuality my bf was having sex not just with other women, but men too. introducing so much bacteria into my body. & he was the second person i’d ever been with. my real first adult relationship. & i got myself here. how can i ever trust myself again? just because i was abused as child doesn’t mean i wanted to choose a partner to abuse me even more. i just wanted to be a good person.

but i paid the ultimate price when i self-sacrificed after graduation. with my eyes set on california and leaving confusion behind me, finally FREE. spread my wings. where’s the sacremento kings?? cause i’m outsiiiiiiide!

but confusion crept back on me when he said he wanted to follow me there. nooooooooooo!!!!! confessed his love and commitment for forever, but trials and tribulations were trying to stop it. warning! warning! warning! but that’s a whole nother story. halt. bby girl. stawp. i should have listened to the signs. do not pass go. that was god trying to protect me.

& i got pregnant soon upon arrival. excited to carry life and afraid to carry his. i saw my life ending if the babies began. my radar was up. the whispers of my intuition were screaming. leave. you can’t trust him. like a ghost in the wind hunting me. i listened. got an abortion. pregnant again months later. & planned a trip to arizona to watch his best friend graduate. the gay one. three amigos. it was mother’s day. & his friend. my friend. wouldn’t tell me happy mother’s day as my baby grew inside of me. i was showing. the spirit of envy was in the room & in his eyes. the jealously of an angry side b*tch washed all over him. i knew i was making it up, but i wasn’t. we shared the same lover & i had no idea. we all shared so many special moments in life together. i thought he was my friend. how could they do this to me?

the icing on top of the cake was the way his mother started to treat me, the way his father abandoned him for choosing me, and the secret Skype page left open on my computer. a friend list of only men, including his best friend & other gay men. Devin. who was our friend’s roommate in Sacramento, where we lived. he never spoke to him while i was there, but he visited a lot without me. now i know why. so i aborted baby number two. & murder is a sin. & a deadly one at that. so it came with great consequences. on my spirit. I weeped. i prayed. I baptized myself in water for forgiveness.daily. & sometimes i still weep because maybe that was my only chance to have a family. now that i want to be a mother, but i fear the process to become one.

i’ve been scared of love ever since. when a man tries to love me, i fear him. they get too close, i run. i don’t want to be seen.& left. confused. because relationships mixed with love seem to come up with ample amounts of abuse. I stopped trusting myself for years. what i saw. what i heard. always seeking emotional validation from others to ensure i was seeing what i thought & my emotional reactions were normal. i developed severe anxiety from 5 years of being gaslit. i wasn’t like that before. i neglected my intuition. always questioning her from the years of psychological abuse of all these men i chose to be in my life. i thought i made good choices. i really did. & two years ago, by the grace of God i was gifted with the truth. jesus take the wheel because i finally put the puzzle pieces together. & that’s how i wrote the blog. able to finally connect the dots after years of confusion & manipulation. up until two years ago, i still spoke to ALL of these people. the one who wouldn’t tell me happy mothers day, asked me to have a bby for him. get tf outta here. i even considered them family. i rekindled a friendship with my ex when i was there for him after he went to jail for choking someone else. the demons these men are fighting are HOMOSEXUALITY, ladies.

but now the truth is setting me free. & i can heal. s/o to my therapist! i could have never healed from this without knowing the truth. maybe i can trust love again because now that i know that wasn’t love. i was being used. manipulated. abused. nothing more. & with the help of EMDR therapy, i am now reprocessing this trauma and figuring out how i even got there. reclaiming my time, intuition, and health. lesson learned. don’t trust man. trust god. trust signs. trust the universe. not man’s plan, but god’s plan. because you never know what a man has planned for you. & if you have a light, protect it. the men around you may try to steal it. let’s see what dreams Barbie has next in store 💕

The Downlow Epidemic

The downlow community is extremely harmful to women’s bodies, minds, and spirits. It thrives on secrecy, manipulation, and lies—leaving women like me to pick up the pieces of betrayal we didn’t see coming. Telling this story is my way of standing up for myself, but it’s also a call to action for other women. Protect yourselves.
I’ve had openly gay friends tell me about sleeping with DL men—men who have wives, kids, and entire lives built on lies. And it’s happening in places you wouldn’t expect: at the gym, the grocery store, Home Depot, the barbershop, and even while playing video games. These men aren’t just hiding their truth; they’re putting women at risk, both physically and emotionally.
The harm goes beyond the betrayal of trust. It’s the years of confusion, gaslighting, and self-doubt. It’s the trips to the emergency room, the health scares, the sleepless nights spent wondering what’s wrong with you—when the truth was hidden in their double lives.
The Barbie movie perfectly mirrors this dynamic. Just as Barbie discovers her perfect world is built on lies, women in DL relationships are trapped in constructed fantasies. They are gaslit, forced into roles they never agreed to, and left to reconcile someone else’s deceit. But like Barbie, women have the power to break free, trust themselves, and reclaim their lives.
Ladies, your intuition is your greatest protector. Trust her, even when the world tells you not to. I silenced mine for too long, and I’m sharing my story to make sure others don’t make the same mistake.

If you have suffered from emotional or narcissistic abuse, I would highly recommend going to therapy. Take your power back, ladies!! Here is the number to the domestic violence hotline if you need help finding support: 800-799-7233

Barbie’s Doomsday

Precious Triggers