the upside down of soft girl life.
upside down. stranger things. get it? anyways… soft 💕girl💕 life🌸can we really talk about it? i mean really talk about it. because it’s more than frolicking in the wind, art muesums, and picnics with your friends. although, these are all things the girls enjoy. lord knows I’m the cheapest date.
soft girl life is also having peace within. a peaceful life. and a peaceful environment. & yikes. ya girl has a small confession. i think it’s a little tewwww much for me.truly. i know. burn me at the stakes. but the eternal peace i’m experiencing has me missing the drama. now… hear me out. hear me out. hear me out before you judge me in the confession booth. because I wanna do better, but for the first time in my entire life…. I am experiencing absolute peace.
ya girl doesn’t know nothing about that life. because all my life I had to fight. for peace. & I was winning every war. it’s the only knuck if you buck I participate in…. but now…
i have no bear to run fun from.
nOt in flight or fight mode.
& not healing from a recent tragedy.
who am i? what’s the meaning of life? cause I have never. ever. ever. ( inserts neva eva by Trillville) am I now living the real soft girl life & having an identity crisis at the same time? yes. the answer is yes.
now are you reading this thinking, huh? Sarah is so sweet. she’s so nice & helpful & would do anything for anyone. how sway? well friend, yes. all of this is true. but as stated before….
( but i do hurt ppl’s feelings. especially if you try me. in my cher voice) peace. it has always been something I fought for and intentionally sought after because there has always been so much chaos around me. starting in the first place of existence. the womb. secondly my home. we’re not going into details because this is not a sad girl story. & when the free spirit herself departed to spread her wings… the chaos was never too far behind. always creeping in the shadows. from being a big sister & taking care of everyone, fighting to keep my mom alive, praying for my grandmother, and hoping my brother wasn’t in jail today. sweet Baby Jesus. add a little razzle dazzle of Chicago’s regular violence… I will never forget seeing a girl getting jumped and thrown under the CTA bus. stress levels stay up. aware or not.
so meditating. yoga. finding joy daily. loving on friends and strangers alike has always been my saving grace. inspiring or encouraging someone else to fight their own wars or volunteering… has always been ways I centered myself and created my personal heaven on earth. but peace has been nothing short of a survival mechanism for me.
i have only found peace out of absolute necessity. it’s the way i hold on when the world is falling apart around me.how i keep my sanity. peace is the way i hold on to my heart & soul when there is nothing else to have faith in. this vibe is a sum of blood, sweat, and tears. peace has always been the epicenter of my strength, but i no longer have to be strong. wait. so am i saying i don’t have to be a strong black woman now?? that’s crazy af because i can’t relate. well i guess i’ll have to now…
so now, my nervous system is having a hard time enjoying peace. because it’s something I’m no longer fighting for. kinda boring. there’s no war. no cheating boyfriend. no abuse in any form. i’ve faced most of my demons and theres no dragon to slay here. no over stimulated nervous system to be found. my free spirit is no longer running from a damn thing. i actually wanna sit tf down. crazy.
I’m living in the suburbs of Austin, and Sephora is right across the street. not the liquor store. this some sht. where are the crackhead cousins? I love my job. i have two kitties. stress? i miss you. so i kinda create it. which I do sometimes because it feels so familiar. i mean… we’ve had a relationship my entire life. sometimes I find myself creating little dramatic scenarios just for a hit. of course, I’m writing this with a new found awareness, but still.
the only chaos i have in my life these days is some man tryna give me the world & asking myself if i deserve this? let the anxiety commence. & action.
& now that I’m aware of this, a friend made me more than aware… a little too honest with me, but growth. we see her.
I’m now going to focus on joy. & the fact that I deserve peace even when I’m not fighting for it. It’s a whole new world, and it’s never too late to teach a kitty new tricks. Maybe fighting all of these wars led me to a victory I deserve for the rest of my life. a soft girl life.
at minimum tho, i gotta visit the hood at least. go help someone in need at the homeless shelter. something. but that’s positive. cause i know how it be. ya feel me? lol
